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Through my own healing journey, I know how essential it is to keep good boundaries, and the detrimental impact when we don't. I've been there! In this blog I am not only going to give you my top tips and actions to improve your own, but also help you understand your patterns better. Because when we understand why we are compromising our boundaries, this is when we make lasting change!
So...to begin, let me take you back to the past me. I was a mess! I either had no boundaries at all, or such strong walls up that no-one could get in. I was a total people pleaser, and this continues to come up for me today! It was a recipe for a chronic combo of exhaustion and loneliness.
When I was chronically unwell I was forced by the Universe to say "no" to people and things. I had to quickly learn the skill of honouring my needs, because I literally would be in bed for days if I didn't. In a way, ill health had become the boundary that I wasn’t able to make myself. On reflection, I don't believe this was a coincidence.
Many clients I support through chronic illness or feeling lost and disconnected in life, have patterns of overly empathising with others to the point of diminishing their own needs and truth. There is often a heightened responsibility that blocks their joy and vitality. In order to be healthy and happy, we need to learn what is a healthy boundary for us and grow the self-compassion and courage to stand by it.
If you feel you could use more vitality, freedom and self-connection in your life, read on for my tips and action steps for honouring your needs...
Levels of boundaries
Journal on these different levels and any scenarios that come to mind...
Non-negotiable; What areas do you absolutely need to honour and never compromise on? A clue is examples where you have felt strong emotions come up.
Middle ground; Are there areas that are a middle ground, and you could decide depending on how you feel at the time? It is good to be fluid, things change.
Over protected; Are there any patterns of building a big wall to protect yourself? What if this is shutting out the people who can support YOU?!
Energy audit
It is time to do an audit of your life and energy system. Imagine you are a bucket and although there is a constant flow of water (qi/energy/life force), there are holes where you’re losing energy. It’s time to find out where you’re losing your life force. Some clues are... where do you feel furthest away from your true self? Are there people that you feel exhausted after seeing? Consider that it isn't always about people. It could be boundaries around work and family time.
Make two lists, one of things that feel draining and the other on things that feel energising. We all have stuff we have to do sometimes, but we want to spend more time on the energising stuff. This will give you an idea of where you are losing yourself and how to redirect time to what feels good for you and recharges your soul.
Test and practice
It is common to automatically say “yes” to doing something before we’ve really thought about it. Next time someone asks you, take a pause and say you need to check your diary and will get back to them. This gives you a breather to really check-in with yourself. See how your body feels, what sensations come up? If its a “yes”, then great! If it's a “hell no”, then politely decline. Or, is there a way to make it feel better for you, such as adjusting the time or being less involved. Sometimes taking some control and choice can resolve the discomfort.
Remember, this is a new skill and it takes practice.
Think of 5 areas in your life you are feeling triggered, pulled or exhausted. Is there a small step you can take in each to begin to flex your self-worth?
Some ideas; send a voice note or message to politely step back. Try not to over explain your reasons or over apologise. Be gentle but firm. Remind yourself, you are only responsible for your own feelings, not those of others. Be kind, but respect yourself. When you feel affected by an interaction or someone else’s response, use a self-care tool like EFT or breath work. Create rituals to clear your energy and keep a sacred space. And remember, it doesn’t have to be a “no” full stop. Recently I told a friend that I didn’t have capacity for a few weeks but that I would reach out when I was ready. It felt right.
Ask for help
Are you feeling stressed by the idea of saying no? Don’t worry. You are not alone! I found it scary too and absolutely still do. I think these are the places we grow the most, when we step through the fear and tell the Universe we deserve more! In these moments take a deep breath, soften the body and count down from 5. Remind yourself you are safe and you are learning to take care of yourself. Perhaps it is time to work with a therapist or coach to explore your identity around boundaries? You never have do this work alone.
You’ve got this! Your needs matter and you deserve a life of health, freedom and soul-connection.
Ways to work with me and offers:
NEW Group coaching program. NEW 1:1 coaching program. We will cover boundaries and much, much more! Join the VIP list to receive details and first invitation.
Qigong retreat spring 2025. Gentle Qigong movement. Really lean into self-care and inner connection, in a beautiful Norfolk setting. Rooms from just £369, special launch offer! Book with £100 deposit. Twin and private rooms available. Sound good?
Reach out for a chat about the best offer for you. No obligation to book and you can get any questions answered. :)
Whatsapp me: 0778 75 76 735
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